Self-sabotage and how we stop ourselves from getting what we want

It has been my experience that, even those who protest that they have nothing to feel guilty about have underlying guilt feelings that stop them from achieving their goals. Goals as simple as applying for a promotion, or asking someone out on a date.  Learning what it is that you feel guilty about is often just the beginning breakthrough to better understanding of your motivations and what holds you back from achieving.  

Firstly guilt has many disguises: mainly fear, insecurity and procrastination.  All are sometimes present or just one of these outward symptoms of guilt.  Another example is hiding in ones work, workahoholism. Functioning and hiding are two very different animals.  Where the blackberry has become a new appendage and interrupts meals, meetings, and social discourse.  It is easy to say that we need these modern tools to function, and many of us do. 

These are often, but not always, symptoms or outward manifestations of guilt feelings.  However, they get in the way from meeting someone socially; say at dinner when you are constantly on your blackberry, then wonder why you don't get call backs.  Another is handing in projects at the last minute, or when they are months overdue, or on the day they are due prior to proof reading them. Then wondering why you do not get the promotion you are seeking. These are just some examples, I'm sure you have plenty of your own examples.  

A primary goal in therapy and in coaching is to help uncover the root causes of these symptoms, find alternate ways of behaving and stop self-sabotaging behaviors from getting in your way of your achievements.  To live and work more in line with your goals and dreams and help you live a more harmonious life.  Not all of these are resolvable and much depends on what you are willing to put into it.  In other words, much of the results depend on the the efforts you put in to your treatment.  It is always best to consult a friend in treatment for a referral, or find one with credentials in an area that you approve of. As always I hope this was informative and helpful.  

All the Best,

Dr  Kevin

www.DrKevinOBrien.com

  

Seasons Greetings: As the Holiday rush begins

Yes, it is already that time of year and the Holidays are here, Channukah  is next week along with Thanksgiving.  Christmas decorations and sales are already up for grabs.  The clanging bells of the salvation army have also begun to ring.  

So what do we do with the rush and hurry?  Learning to pace ourselves by making lists is a great help, and also trying to take the urgency out of the shopping experience by procrastinating less and having more than one option as a gift.  Pacing ourselves always allows for the space to truly take the time to enjoy the day, and the Holiday Spirit "mood" of family gatherings and can add so much more to the experience.  

For those of us fortunate enough to have families, pacing yourself can also make you more tolerant of the family dynamics that seem to set everyone off. Allow uncle Fred to be uncle Fred.  It is who he is, and he will not change just because its a Holiday gathering.  If you are rested, grounded in yourself, and have paced yourself, you will get through it unscathed and feel the better for it.  

This is also a time of year where we see the good actions of others, and are inclined to good actions ourselves.  everyone seems to want to be a little nicer (except in the sales bin).  Look for kindnesses around you and vicariously allow for yourself to experience a bit of the joy of what you are witnessing. It may inspire spontaneous acts of kindness from you as well.

So have a Happy and kind hearted Holiday Season, and may the spirit of it carry you through the New Year.  

Dr Kevin

www.DrKevinOBrien.com

Aging Well: Your Golden Years

Aging is something we all confront, how we approach it is up to us.  Are we prepared for our aging? Have we followed up with a medical team? How do we feel about spirituality? Have we planned for ourselves financially?  What does growing older mean to us? These are just a few of the questions I want to propose here to help get you thinking about your own aging process and comfort with it.  

Let's start with are you prepared for aging?   What does this mean to you?  Acceptance of the fact that you are growing older, yet managing the process in a way that suits your personality through exercise, cosmetic enhancements, or just acceptance.  What role does your level of self esteem play in any of this?  Probably some role, but acceptance regardless of enhancements, within limits, only enhance self esteem and can help you feel years younger in the process but do not change self esteem.  It is the motivating factor for enhancements that becomes a concern. However if the end result is a happier you, and a more graceful aging process, than so be it.    

Getting frequent medical check-ups and clearance before trying risky exercise routines.  Establishing a medical baseline helps to understand where you are physically but also prevent any unnecessary risks. understanding cardiac health, etc. It is always good to have your vitals checked, and understand where on the continuum of aging you stand.  Depending on the results this may greatly boost your self esteem as well. 

Now the big question of spirituality comes next.  Even Einstein found it in his heart to believe in some form of omnipotence.  So no matter the route you choose, unless your smarter than Einstein find something larger than just yourself to believe in.  Whether it's as open ended as Love for all, or a Higher Power it is beyond your mental grasp to figure it out.   So we let this nebulous spiritual amalgamation grow and develop in as organic a manner as we can tolerate.  Asking questions, that seem to never be answered. Hoping for truth to win out in the end.  

Financially is probably the most challenging and difficult one to talk about.  It requires sober accounting of where we are fiscally at present, and where we want to be in our Golden Years.  Is it possible to get there from here with the large amount of debt we carry? The shallow savings account? Or do we have the opposite situation?  

Measuring your debt to income ratio and consulting a banker or financial planner is sound advice.  But take a look at where you are first.  Try to understand how you got there, and what it will take to get you out of debt if that is the case.  Many Americans retire carrying a debt balance into retirement, and with the significant cut in wages, they are unable to pay their debt and their monthly expenses.  They simply did not budget for the debt.  

So Clean up the debt prior to retirement, find something larger than yourself to believe in, establish a medical baseline and get medical clearance, enjoy your life and your health.  Age as gracefully and and comfortably as you can.   You will remain happier in your choices when they are thought through and measured with your providers; medical, spiritual, financial and mental health care. As always I hope you found this informative and helpful.  Feel free to call for a consultation.  

Dr Kevin

www.DrKevinOBrien.com

Learning really is a lifelong experience: Computer scams

It was a matter of days ago that I received an emergency SOS email from my friend overseas and I became alarmed for his welfare.   He is known to travel, and not careless, but things happen when traveling.  So everything seemed to be legitimate, and on the up and up.  

The e-mail read: "Am so sorry to bother you, I am in Limassol, Cyprus for a week and  I  just misplaced my bag containing all my vital items, phone and money.I am stranded at the moment and may need a little help from you. Thanks "

I replied, "Hi, My number is: 212-539-3710;  Feel free to call or  email."  He responded:

"Thanks, I've been to the embassy and was issued a temporary passport. I just need to borrow about €950, I will pay you back as soon as I get back home. Western Union transfer is the fastest option to wire funds to me. All you have to do is to locate the nearest WU shop to you and they will have the money sent in minutes. See details needed for transfer below.

"Name on my ID: [my friend's name] Limassol, South Cyprus
   
"You will need to email me the Reference number, senders name and address as it's stated on
      the payment slip as soon as you make transfer so I can receive money here."

Not noticing anything fishy, and being concerned for my friend, I scrambled around for some cash. I sent him 700.00 US -- a bit less than he wanted -- but planned on getting the balance off to him later in the week. It was the tone in which he responded to the partial payment that threw me into suspicion. it was trite and ungracious, and out of character for my friend.  My gut told me to try to call him, and he answered his phone here in New York City.  

That is when I learned that his computer was hacked into and thousands of similar emails were sent to others from his contact list.  We talked, filed a complaint with Western Union and above all - realized that there are people who prey on the caring of friends,  realized how there are people who prey on the caring of friends. My friend did all he could to warn his contacts of his of the scam, and I hold him in no way accountable to my generosity and good nature.

My friend and I have since met to reflect on the experience.  He helped me safeguard my own computer , using the lessons he had learned.  While there are a multitude of safety protocols in place at Google, etc. if you receive a SOS call try to validate it first, and be careful.  Remain alert, change passwords frequently -- the more complex the better.

In the end, I'm a little wiser about responding to Internet pleas, knowing that I am not immune to scams.  I do however remain unapologetially concerned about my fiends - especially if they're in need.  A lesson learned through life experience - shared with you so perhaps you can avoid a similar fate.

As always, I hope you fund this helpful and informative.   Feel free to call for a consultation.  

Dr Kevin

www.DrKevinOBrien.com 

Learning: a liftime experience

Passive learning takes place throughout our lives as we absorb information from our environment. From infancy with a speed that can boggle the parents' mind as she looks on. The ability to absorb information doesn't change over time, the type of information we absorb does however, as we differentiate it to its appropriate  social or defense area; this is seen most in the toddler, and again in the adolescent.

But as we get older we become Active learners, as toddlers, seeking out information and new things with an almost aggressive hunger for knowledge.  We store these memories both good and bad and in between making judgements about ourselves and the world around us based on them. Sometimes they become "ego strengths" that work in our favor as in a positive attitudes, self-esteem, work ethic, etc. and at other times the opposite as "ego deficits" working against our better good in self-sabotaging ways.  Most of our life, is spent striking a healthy balance between these two polar pulls of the ego and making personally and socially acceptable decisions.

We are constantly gathering information passively and actively, from our surroundings, parents, teachers, peers, mentors, social media,etc… and filing them away in our minds as important life lessons, or trivia.  "If so and so is ruthless and gets street cred for it, will I get the same street cred if I'm ruthless?" this is weighed against your years of personal experience, information and ego strength prior to your deciding what action to take.  We determine who we want to emulate. 

All learning is valuable whether passive or active, both contributing to our personal growth and maturity. This continues throughout our life with with every exposure to the world news, every person we meet and every new thing we try. So maintain an open mind, try new things; sushi or skiing just to add active learning to your memories and keep your mind learning new skills and information. As always I hope you found this informative and helpful.  

Dr Kevin
www.drkevinobrien.com

Veterans Day

Veterans Day is not only a time of celebration and remembrance, it is a day to honor the sacrifice of the many thousands of active service members, and veterans from previous conflicts that gave the ultimate sacrifice, putting their lives on the line for our political freedoms.  

We are a remarkable country made up of remarkable men and women and families that serve on a daily basis for our rights to protest, and profit.  These remarkable individuals deserve our respect and honor daily, but most especially on this one day November 11th set aside each year for them and their families.  

So find a moment in your day to attend the Veterans Day Parade in your town, or to at least find it in your heart to say Thank you to a service member and or a veteran.  In fact it is a beautiful habit to develop as a Nation of grateful citizens year round, when you see a returning veteran alone in an airport.  

Regardless your belief about the conflicts or wars this country has been in and is currently involved in, these men and women are the wall that protects us from the outside world.  They sacrifice their lives daily for our well being as a part of their job description.  It's a bit rougher than being a barrister at Starbucks. 

Be grateful that this all volunteer Service is willing to be there on the front lines of conflict, when you are not. often missing college years, the birth of their children, key years of their family life, etc. So Say thank you for your service, and be respectful on Veterans Day if not every day.   

Dr Kevin
www.DrKevinOBrien.com

Listening

Listening is an art and a skill we develop. Far to often we find ourselves caught up in the experiences of our past and our expectations of the future to be present enough to participate in the art of truly listening to the person with whom we are speaking with in the moment.

Being present in the "here and now" requires concentration and ones attention.  We are often to busy to offer that to others, but are quick to expect it from others and here lies the conflict in many relationships.  

So how do we stop the inner self sabotaging of our immediate relationships?  We start by identifying them for what they are.  distractions from the moment at time we are in and a distraction from intimacy from the one we are with. Yes, these thoughts often prevent one on one moments of intimacy because one or both partners gets so caught up in their individual dialogues from past relationships they have no time to think about the needs of their partner.   

A simple exercise is to stop yourself, not answer the phone in the middle of a conversation, or remove your ear buds when talking.  Even the act of taking off your sun glasses to talk can improve your sence of presence.  Try any one of these, or one of your own and see if your intimacy with friends and your significant other improves.  

As always I hope you foud this informative and helpful.  Feel free to contact me of a consultation,




Dr Kevin
www.DrKevinOBrien.com