As many of you know I've been tweeting about "Self Care" and "Letting Go" for the past several weeks and recently my mother's stroke. This weeks blog post couldn't be more relevant than now for me as well as you readers now that my mother has just suffered two strokes following her surgery. It's just as important for me to follow these simple guidelines than it is for you and they apply as readily to family as they do to our work lives.
I've been blogging on this because it is such an important aspect to ones mental health, and part of ones achievement of ones goals. Often we can get get so caught up in caring about how others perform, that we lose track of our own performance standards both at work and at home. Trying to micro manage the subordinate you assigned a project to wastes so much unnecessary energy and keeps the focus off your own tasks. Not to mention completely undermines any confidence or creativity the subordinate may have had in the project. The same can be said for our spouses, and our children when we delegate chores, or homework expectations then undermine the performance of those responsibilities. We set them up to expect us to always "manage" them reducing their creativity and sense of autonomy.
I've been blogging on this because it is such an important aspect to ones mental health, and part of ones achievement of ones goals. Often we can get get so caught up in caring about how others perform, that we lose track of our own performance standards both at work and at home. Trying to micro manage the subordinate you assigned a project to wastes so much unnecessary energy and keeps the focus off your own tasks. Not to mention completely undermines any confidence or creativity the subordinate may have had in the project. The same can be said for our spouses, and our children when we delegate chores, or homework expectations then undermine the performance of those responsibilities. We set them up to expect us to always "manage" them reducing their creativity and sense of autonomy.
Your struggle with letting go, is nearly always associated by those around you in a negative light, and most commonly called "co-dependency." Breaking the cycle of control is not easy, but is possible. It also releases you from feelings of unnecessary responsibility for others at work and at home. It helps you manage more consistently, showing less favoritism for select individuals; usually the friendly under performers who remind you that you are a good boss and help you feel good as long as you continue to show them favoritism.
Although you feel better giving them a break, for lateness, etc., this behavior sets you up to be an uneven manager, that shows favoritism to a select few and creates animosity among the good performers, decreasing overall team moral. Not dissimilar from a family system where a sibling is favored and their appears to be nothing the others can do to get the graces of the parent. Low self-esteem and poor self image result in these children often to the oblivious parent.
Self Care comes in play when we know our limits, and stand by them. Stop showing favoritism because we are not responsible for "why" someone is chronically late or under performing. Those are the responsibility of the employee. They can either do the job they were hired to do or not, and should be managed as such. This way you become a more consistent manager, and remove your personal subjectivity out of the equation when making judgements. At first their will be blow back, so allow for this and make adjustments with warnings. Yet remain consistent. You will soon see a significant improvement in the morale and performance of the entire team.
You will also feel better yourself as a result of removing the subjectivity out of the equation when dealing with subordinates and coworkers. It is of course much more difficult when it comes to family. So be careful here. They will continue to expect the old behavior for a much longer period. But again being consistent with your limits, without losing your temper or subjectivity and having patience with them as you help them and yourself become healthier is a major part to feeling better about yourself and how you are handling family matters.
As always I hope you found this helpful and informative.
All the Best
Dr Kevin
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