Dealing with Disappointments

Often we don't get what we want, or have things turn out the way we had planned.  For instance, a job promotion, or the health of a family member can turn out differentlythan we had hoped.What do we do with disappointment?  Do we let the disappointment fester, or try to walk away with lessons learned.   It is difficult to review why we didn't get the promotion, but it is important to our long term goals. As for the health of family members that is usually out of our control.  but often there is some personal bias as to the choices we make on our family members behalf, just as the choices why one person is chosen over the another for promotion involve some personal bias on the behalf of the one hiring.  We can't forget the political strategies of our bosses for placing another ahead of us.  To what advantage does this play out for your boss in placing  that individual there instead of you.   

So analyzing our game plan post failure is just as important as a post game win. There are different endorphins fired by the brain when we win then there are when we lose.  That's  why we feel depression instead of jubilation when we lose but none the less, there is information to be gathered and new plans to be assessed.   How to work with the new boss?  Adjusting to how to work with this person you were competing with just weeks ago takes some ego-adjustment.  Are you able to do this, or is it a sign to start preparing to leave?  

Before we jump the gun, it is always best to assess our current situation within our company, and remove as much of our ego from the  equation as possible.  Objectively assessing where you stand in the company can help depersonalize the decision your boss made not to go with you.  Also depending on your relationship with and the type of boss you have a post application interview can demonstrate that you have interest in more than what you are currently doing and put you in line for something else that may come up in the future.  This is a good time to also let your boss know of your disappointment but your willingness to work with his selection.  Emphasis here on your willingness to remain a team player and continue to put your best foot forward.  

When dealing with disappointment in yourself try to understand your own circumstances as objectively as possible.  Making lists, or looking at the circumstance through the eyes of "how a close friend would support you" are two examples to help gain prospective.   Once you have a clearer perspective you will be more abt to respond less critically towards yourself. you will still wish to make corrections, but with less severity or personal harm.  

I hope you found this helpful and informative

Dr Kevin

www.DrKevinOBrien.com

All Work and No Play

As I was building my career it required a lot of focus, graduate school, full time work, and a part time private practice.  Maintaining this cost a lot.  It cost a lot emotionally, because I found myself tired frequently, but maintained my work and school requirements. It cost me some friendships that I would make plans with but later find I was to busy to have dinner with and cancel or worse yet, forget to cancel.  Of course I felt bad about the social ramifications, but realized that I needed to remain focused on my goal if I was going to succeed, and hope my friends would understand.  Some did, some didn't.   

Once I finished Graduate school however, it allowed for a lot more free time to reconnect with friends and to do things that I have been putting off doing like skiing, scuba diving and other social events with friends.  Feeling free enough to play a little on my vacations was a revitalizing experience for me and it can be for you too.  

It is easy to be seduced by the busy working schedule, but finding time on those business trips to extend them a few days if possible is a great way to recharge your batteries.  Of course these extensions are usually on your own dime, but it will be money well spent for the peace of mind you get in return. The important thing here is trying to find time for yourself.  Going from project to project may look good from the outside, but at what cost is it to you on the inside.  

So plan for little breaks in your schedule to either spend time alone, or with your family before coming right back into the office, especially if you have been away for a week or more.  It will help you feel stronger, and more focused as well as coser to your family when you do get back to the office.   

As always I hope you found this helpful and informative.

All the Best,

Dr Kevin

www.DrKevinOBrien.com

Self Care and the Art of Letting Go of the Need to Control

As many of you know I've been tweeting about "Self Care" and "Letting Go" for the past several weeks and recently my mother's stroke. This weeks blog post couldn't be more relevant than now for me as well as you readers now that my mother has just suffered two strokes following her surgery. It's just as important for me to follow these simple guidelines than it is for you and they apply as readily to family as they do to our work lives.

I've been blogging on this because it is such an important aspect to ones mental health, and part of ones achievement of ones goals.  Often we can get get so caught up in caring about how others perform, that we lose track of our own performance standards both at work and at home.  Trying to micro manage the subordinate you assigned a project to wastes so much unnecessary energy and keeps the focus off your own tasks.   Not to mention completely undermines any confidence or creativity the subordinate may have had in the project.  The same can be said for our spouses, and our children when we delegate chores, or homework expectations then undermine the performance of those responsibilities. We set them up to expect us to always "manage" them reducing their creativity and sense of autonomy.   

Your struggle with letting go, is nearly always associated by those around you in a negative light, and most commonly called "co-dependency." Breaking the cycle of control is not easy, but is possible. It also releases you from feelings of unnecessary responsibility for others at work and at home.   It helps you manage more consistently, showing less favoritism for select individuals; usually the friendly under performers who remind you that you are a good boss and help you feel good as long as you continue to show them favoritism.   

Although you feel better giving them a break, for lateness, etc., this behavior sets you up to be an uneven manager, that shows favoritism to a select few and creates animosity among the good performers, decreasing overall team moral.  Not dissimilar from a family system where a sibling is favored and their appears to be nothing the others can do to get the graces of the parent.  Low self-esteem and poor self image result in these children often to the oblivious parent.  

Self Care comes in play when we know our limits, and stand by them.  Stop showing favoritism because we are not responsible for "why" someone is chronically late or under performing.  Those are the responsibility of the employee.  They can either do the job they were hired to do or not, and should be managed as such. This way you become a more consistent manager, and remove your personal subjectivity out of the equation when making judgements.  At first their will be blow back, so allow for this and make adjustments with warnings. Yet remain consistent.  You will soon see a significant improvement in the morale and performance of the entire team.  

You will also feel better yourself as a result of removing the subjectivity out of the equation when dealing with subordinates and coworkers.  It is of course much more difficult when it comes to family.  So be careful here.  They will continue to expect the old behavior for a much longer period.  But again being consistent with your limits, without losing your temper or subjectivity and having patience with them as you help them and yourself become healthier is a major part to feeling better about yourself and how you are handling family matters.  

As always I hope you found this helpful and informative.

All the Best

Dr Kevin

www.DrKevinOBrien.com

Dr Kevin O'Brien's Thoughts: How Are You Doing With Those Goals for 2014?

Dr Kevin O'Brien's Thoughts: How Are You Doing With Those Goals for 2014?: As I said in a previous blog post, ( December 22nd ) many of us set goals only to let them fall to the wayside. It is so easy to get caught...

How Are You Doing With Those Goals for 2014?

As I said in a previous blog post, ( December 22nd ) many of us set goals only to let them fall to the wayside. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day events of our work a day lives, or watching after the kids that we put our own needs second or even last on the to do list of the day.  Try to be conscious of how your priority slips down the "to do list" each day and do your best to prioritize your goal to a time of day that is most likely to bring success.  

When all is said and done it really simply starts with your making a decision to do something. Whatever your goal is, the first step is deciding that it is time for you to take action on it.  We can have brilliant planning and detailed agendas on how we plan on getting there, but until we decide, really decide that this is the goal we want to work on, then we are simply spinning our wheels with mediocre if any results.  

Knowing what you want to achieve is the always the starting point to any good planning.  Then plan grows out of that.  Set yourself up from the beginning to achieve your goals, by knowing what you want, then develop your method of attaining your goal. After this it becomes a self fulfilling journey that builds momentum as you continue on your way to success.  

As always, I hope you found this helpful and informative.

Best,

Dr Kevin

www.DrKevinOBrien.com

Skin Cancer and staying ahead of it with onging treatments

Staying ahead of your skin cancer treatment is a hard lesson to learn for some of us.  Myself included.  I was first diagnosed with skin cancer more than 10 years ago with squamous cell carcinoma. and at the same time numerous Basal cell carcinoma all over my back, neck, face, and head.  As an active scuba diver and runner at the time I was out in the sun a lot and never really took precautions.  I underwent the first of what was to become numerous treatments: painful and time consuming mohs surgery for each.  I believe it took nearly a year to get them under control, and I felt like a scarred mess.  Fortunately my dermatologist was also a plastic surgeon and the scarring was kept to a minimum.   Until the next fearful 6month return for a body check, and more Basel cells..

Here again,  they found numerous pre-cancerous Keratosis and sprayed what seemed to be every inch of my body.  As with the next ten years, while doing my body check they continue to locate pre-cancerous, Keratosis, and a few more Basal cells and the occasional stubborn squamous cell carcinoma, but I had these taken care of as well. During this time I also began to worry more about melanoma, I had more than 30 surgeries some minor and some major. However, each puts a scare in you.  

When will the melanoma show up?  I get a surgery nearly every time I go to the doctors' office for my check up.  I began to resent my doctor, and my body for betraying me.  I determined that I had developed a form of surgery fatigue related to the body checks and chronic Keratosis. I spoke to my then doctor, and told him I needed to take a break for a while but would follow up in a year.  After all, I have numerous scars on my chest back face, arms and scull from the major surgeries, and had come to a place of what I called surgical depression. from treatment exhaustion, and took a break for a year and worked with a terrific plastic surgeon.  

Currently I take precautions in the sun, and still scuba dive with water proof sun block. I don't run outdoors, yet I still develop pre-cancerous Keratosis, but much less basal or squamous cell carcinomas these days.  I go for bi-annual checkups with Dr Goldenberg at Mount Sinai and feel on top of this chronic condition.

So be sure to follow up with your dermatologist for a body scan to check for these little buggers before they get out of hand, and to help put your mind a ease.   It is a part of my total body health care now consider making it yours.

As always I hope you found this helpful and informative.  feel free to contact me for a consultation.  

All the Best,

Dr Kevin
www.DrKevinOBrien.com