Couples, Families and Deployment

While deployment is often associated with hardship, danger and negative consequences, we can try to switch this frame to looking at the advantages and benefits of what deployment can bring to a family.  How it can provide a sense of strength between the couple, the support of other partners and spouses that have also been deployed before.

By leaving the household chores and responsibilities to the remaining family, it can help develop skills of independence or resentment.  This depends on how things were outlined and communicated prior to deployment.  It can help develop cohesion for the remaining family members  as well with new found interdependency as each begins to pull their own weight more.  The separation can lead to a better appreciation of one another while away, and upon returning if things are discussed frankly and openly from the start.

No matter how you look at it though, deployment requires a significant adjustment to the couple and to the family.  Some may adapt better to this than others, and that is no real measure of the stability of the relationship other than anecdotal.

Focus on accepting the things you can't control such as the mission you are assigned is one thing, but how you think about it is something you and your partner can control.  You can use positive feedback and counseling to help you cope with how you view your partner's deployment, and his or her safe return. By all means there is no need to suffer silently, talk to one another about the upcoming deployment, talk to friends, and professionals. Also this is a difficult time for you both, so cut each other some slack prior to deployment, this is difficult because you are both anxious but nonetheless, try to remember that you are BOTH NERVOUS ABOUT THE DEPLOYMENT.

Most of all make sure that you let each other know how much you care for one another prior to deployment  so that you both feel connected to one another.

As for the children, the more adjusted the parents are the more secure the children will feel.  Remember they know what is going on and they need reassurance that it is not they're fault.  Encourage Skypee email and cards where possible as a means of staying in touch. Have a family outing if there is time prior to deployment such as a picnic or a museum trip is great.  The goal is to create cohesion at home before the deployment so everyone knows their role and that they are loved and cared for.

This is by far not an exhaustive list of strategies.  These are just a few of the ones that I know can help.
For more information check with your base IRR Family Readiness Coordinator, or the local VA or Vet Center for assistance.

It is my hope that you found this helpful as well as informative.

Dr Kevin O'Brien

DrKevinOBrien.com

Addiction and Underlying Causes Leading to Relapse

Many individuals with addictions are also facing, or not facing, the underlying issues that prevent them from fully recovering from their addictions.  Issues stemming from childhood or other periods of their life that remain unresolved.  Ego and personality problems that get in the way of accepting ones addictions and moving through the process of recovery to stabilization often threaten recovery and lead to relapse.  

It is my belief as it is the belief and that of other professionals, that until one effectively works through the root causes that contributed to ones addiction in the first place there will always be some struggle and the individual will remain at high risk of relapse.  So it is of great benefit to the individual to seek out additional help wherever possible to work through these pre-existing conditions so that they no longer function as "triggers" to relapse.  

Working through pre-existing conditions is certainly not easy and the steps of the AA program are a good outline to help individuals begin to identify them.  This is especially true of "Step 4: where the individual takes a personal inventory of their character defects, or short comings."   This is where one can identify underlying issues that may or may not need additional attention. It is only a start however where the individual can begin to appreciate that s/he has more issues than just alcohol or drugs to deal with.    

It is important to address pre-existing conditions early in the recovery process because that is when one is also most vulnerable to relapse.  Although relapse can happen at any point, one has to look toward the unresolved issues, and not the drug as the cause.  The drug is the salve for the pain one is experiencing in the midst of their abstinence, nothing more. It is a merely a Band-Aid. Once the individual appreciates this fact that they used drugs or alcohol as a means to cover up and to avoid the feelings, of reality associated with their life situation.    

So if you are beginning to feel a bit shaky in your recovery, look at your 4th Step, call a professional and get to work on resolving your underlying issues before you relapse.  In other words, take charge of your life. It is the only one you have.  Be responsible for the quality of your your recovery process, and in turn how you feel about yourself.  

As always, I hope you found this helpful and informative

Dr Kevin O'Brien